Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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