Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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