I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
