That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
