I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
