my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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