I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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