The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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