god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
