I look better un-naked...
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Someone signed my nipple.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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