i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
A+ Viking dick
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