I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
