Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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