Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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