I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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