Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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