i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
