Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
