woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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