It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize