This is not my ceiling
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
