I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
