i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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