hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
