Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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