A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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