I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
