Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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