I heard we made out
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
