Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
