I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
