Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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