Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
