if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I currently don't understand fingers.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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