when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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