just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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