it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
