Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
