I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
