Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
