If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
