the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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