Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
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