The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
