I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
