So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
