Can Purell be used as lube?
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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