I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
