On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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