I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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