I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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