Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
