i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Randomize
