i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I forgot wine drunk hurts
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
