I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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