whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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