why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
50% drunk capacity currently
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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