i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
2020 sucks, I want a refund
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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