Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
