Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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