o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I'm like, not good at living.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
