my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
