There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
last night I used snow as a chaser
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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