i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
